I’ve got a problem

ผู้ชนะการประชุมสุดยอด WSOP ประจำปี 2018
February 16, 2021 0 Comments



Sorry for long post/vent in advance!Okay so for context, addiction is something I’m not a stranger to. It seems like a family trait that everyone has an addiction, mostly drugs or alcohol. But my mum loved gambling. The worst thing about it is, I got her into it when I was maybe 10.We played ‘harmless’ bingo games together on a holiday one time, im talking like pennies to play and win a Teddy bear. It was a nice time and a fond memory. But i was Internet savvy and when we got home I introduced her to the online kind as a way of playing together at home and have time between us, safe to say we did win with some beginners luck. It was fun for a while but as a kid I got quickly bored. I didn’t realise however I laid the seeds for my mums own addiction.I only realise now with hindsight how vulnerable to the thrill of it she would have been. I still hate myself to this day for what I did. She lost a lot of money, we lost a lot of Christmases. Couldn’t pay bills or buy food some weeks. She never quite forgave herself for all of this even to this day. I always blamed myself entirely and promised id never end up like that.Tonight I realised I already had a while back.Lockdowns and covid restrictions made me bored I guess. Bored enough to forget how damaging gambling had been and in fact how much pain it caused me in the past. I signed up to a bingo site, £20 isn’t too harmful. I won a jackpot. Incredible I could finally pay off some debt I had over lockdown and I seriously couldn’t stop thinking how lucky and thankful I was.My family congratulated me, jokingly said “be careful don’t be silly, it’s too easy to fall into it, don’t chase money” and I confidently said nope, no, I know what I’m doing. Seen it before, I know I won’t be like that. Not me, im so careful with money…Now I can’t stop.I’ve restricted the account, but I keep making new ones on different sites. I always restrict them after I lose again, £10, £20, £50 here and there adds up. I never break even, which is rare. Even if i win i keep most of it in the account to play with. Might be on a roll…well its only £50 ill withdraw what I put in. Then just end up depositing it again.. and again, I can’t keep up with the maths to even know how badly I’m losing anymore.I felt empty. I kept just depositing more expecting to feel something, like id accomplished anything. I just felt numb. I even started just playing stupid stakes to watch the money disappear? I just didn’t feel a thing. Yet I can’t stop. Even deposit limits don’t matter when I’m waiting until midnight to add more. Its tonight that I realised I have a problem, its been buried for a while and I unlocked something in me that was dormant.So I’ve restricted, a lot. And ive found you all. I’m sorry for the venting for not much detail but I’ve already lost more than id of ever won. I’ve spent double what I was happy to have won the first time in the space of just the last week. Nevermind all the money I won and never withdrew, counting that I’ve probably lost triple.. I’m already lying to my partner about it. “Oh i have bonus money” “oh I had left over money from last time”Im getting snappy and irritable too, I zone out and stop replying to him when I’m playing. If he distracts me during a game I just cut him off and snap at him and I realised it today, and I actually feel sick at myself. He plays his own app game thats a strategy game so we sometimes don’t talk much anyway. I tried justifying my spending as he puts in money to his game too, so now we both had a game. Ive never really played much games myself, until now.I felt enraged that he tried to speak to me. I realised how truly dangerous it become. I was almost angry at him for being around me and taking my focus away, but felt nothing if I won or lost on those games anyway.I’m just horrified by how quickly this settled in so I’m really hoping I can stop now before I ruin everything, not just financially.Im really hoping I can do better.


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